What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

This is soul school!.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

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I waited trembling.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

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I know ,a lot about trauma.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I could never make a relationship work though!

One cannot live in the past .

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She loved him until the end.

I was seconnd youngest,

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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Was to survive, this bastard.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

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I was very sick at this time too.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

It was going to be , some day.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

And i lived it daily.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He resisted the act ,that day.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My family never makes their pension either.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

(And it was in our own minds.)

She was in good health!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

As i do to all so called friends.?

So whats the point in blame.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Put me off passion for life!!

He knew the spot.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

We were not on the streets..

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

When she asked me how she looked .

I said to her

I think the readers, may guess!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

She found it foreign!.

Comes on , in middle age.

I write beautiful poetry .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Especially a lifetime of it.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

What did i know ?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I was scared of men, in general

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I have no regrets .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She wouldn,t have been !

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

But it wasn’t much.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But ive been too sick for many years..

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I will be 64.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I never cut or harmed myself..

We all went to grammer schools

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Ive learnt so much.

So, i spoilt her more .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

My life is so biszare .

I couldn’t, believe it.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I was 9 years of age.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I don,t even have a pension.

Im still living with it.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She married twice! .

All the time i was locked up.

But, we were locked up after school.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Would this be the day?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Who then, do I blame.?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Why did i forgive my father ?

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .